


On Selfishness, and How It Might Be Love

by LucisAbsentia



Series: Partner Mine [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Pining, Qui-Gon Jinn is an idiot, Requited Love, Sequel, but he figures his crap out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:20:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23506003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucisAbsentia/pseuds/LucisAbsentia
Summary: "So was this love, or was Qui-Gon just loath to give up someone who was so well-suited for him that it might feel like giving up one of his hands to be parted from him?"In which Obi-Wan confesses, and Qui-Gon does a great deal of thinking about whether he himself is selfish or whether he is in love.(Also in which I wrote a short story with poor Obi having an unrequited love, but I chickened out and decided to give it a happy sequel because angst hurts)
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: Partner Mine [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1691356
Comments: 19
Kudos: 103





	On Selfishness, and How It Might Be Love

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to Enough, which I recommend reading! But if you don't, just know that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan have been mission partners for six years and they've been sleeping together, but while Obi-Wan is deeply in love with Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon thinks it's just casual.

"What have you done, Jinn?" Mace asked, frowning at his longtime friend. 

Qui-Gon's brow furrowed, and he turned to take in the other man's expression for a moment. "I'm afraid I have no idea what you mean."

"None at all?" Mace returned his gaze, one eyebrow arched in a bit of disbelief. When Qui-Gon gave him a nonplussed look, he almost snorted. "Kenobi approached me earlier. He wanted to know what was involved in the process of breaking up a mission pairing."

Qui-Gon felt very much like someone had just punched him in the gut. For a long moment, he was silent, unsure of what to say. "Curiosity, I'm sure," he replied, but it was weak, and he knew it. "You know Obi-Wan constantly soaks up information. He's an inquisitive man." 

Mace gave him a look that clearly expressed how hollow Qui-Gon's words sounded. "Did the two of you have a fight?" he asked. "Everything's been going well, you've been partners for years. You're not having any sort of disagreements? Nothing regarding your - intimacy?"

Shaking his head, Qui-Gon tucked his hands into the sleeves of his robes. "Nothing's changed, Mace, at least not that Obi-Wan's let me know. Our relationship has remained strong through everything. He's the perfect partner for me."

"Well, perhaps you should tell him that, because he apparently doesn't seem to think so," Mace replied. "Talk to him, Qui-Gon. I don't know what's going on, but you two are our best mission pair. It would be a great loss if Obi-Wan followed through with this. Deal with it before he presents a formal request to the Council."

Inclining his head, Qui-Gon stopped, letting Mace continue on his own path. "Of course, Master," he murmured, feet turning towards a different hallway. "Give me time, Mace," he added softly, after a bit of hesitation. "Please don't mention it to anyone else." When his friend nodded, he tried not to hurry away too quickly, disturbed with what the Council Master had told him.

Several hours later, he found himself outside of Obi-Wan's room, and he knocked, hoping that the other was home. When the door slid open, he gave an expression that looked like a grimace, and swept past Obi-Wan into his rooms before he even got out a greeting.

Obi-Wan arched a brow. "Come in, I guess," he said, turning to the other, who only glowered at him. 

"I had quite an interesting conversation with Mace," Qui-Gon said without preamble. "I hear that you spoke about dropping me as your mission partner."

Obi-Wan froze, posture growing tense. Qui-Gon eyed him as the man crossed his arms over his chest. It was a gesture that spoke of Obi-Wan's discomfort, one Qui-Gon recognized easily by the way Obi-Wan absently traced soft lines onto his arm as if to soothe himself. He huffed, the recognition of the gesture only making him more frustrated.

"I did," Obi-Wan admitted quietly. Qui-Gon waited a few long moments, but his partner wasn't any more forthcoming than that.

"That's it?" Qui-Gon replied, almost snapping at the other. "That's all I get?" His eyes narrowed as Obi-Wan shifted, gaze falling to the floor. "I trained you since you were thirteen, we've been mission partners for six years - and you just want to walk away from me without an explanation?" He shouldn't let himself get so angry, but it hurt that Obi-Wan wouldn't even talk to him. Mace's words had blind-sided him, and Qui-Gon felt terribly alone in a way that he hadn't since Obi-Wan had entered his life and taken up residence with him for twenty years. "We know each other better than anyone else here. We're good together, we're the best team the Order has. You have been my apprentice, my confidant, and my best friend. Hells, you're more than that, I know your body like I know my own. I deserve better than this, Obi-Wan. If there's a problem between us, I should have known before you went to anyone else! I deserve an explanation!"

"I'm in love with you." The words seemed to tumble from Obi-Wan's mouth, and Qui-Gon could see how tightly he'd wrapped his arms around himself. 

There was a long beat of silence. Out of anything Qui-Gon had expected to hear, it wasn't that. "What?"

"I'm in love with you, Qui-Gon," he whispered again. He continued to stare at the floor, but Qui-Gon could see the emotions playing across his face. It ached to see the heartbreak and misery that accompanied the words. The emotions that passed through their mission bond were heavy. "I have been, for a very long time. Certainly longer than it would have been appropriate for you to return the sentiment. But I - I had hoped that one day - " He shook his head. "I was going to approach you about deepening our bond again. After we'd been sleeping together for a while. I was trying to figure out the best way how. But before I could, I learned how willing you are to share your body with others." He blinked rapidly. Qui-Gon had to sit on the couch, feeling like his legs might give out from under him. "And there's nothing wrong with that," Obi-Wan continued. "I - never set any boundaries. I never shared what I was feeling. We never said we were committed. But I don't - just want to be your favorite or most convenient body to share with."

Qui-Gon leaned forward, his forearms resting on his knees. He couldn't look at Obi-Wan. He'd made the man feel like this? He'd caused him such grief? How had he not seen, in five years of being intimate, that Obi-Wan was hurting? He had been the man's Master, he knew Obi-Wan inside and out. He should not have been able to hide such a thing from him!

"It was rash, to approach Mace," Obi-Wan whispered. "I was feeling particularly self-pitying. But I don't know - I don't know if I can keep doing this. It gets harder and harder to put aside what I feel, when it should be getting easier. I want to be the only one you want. And more than that, Qui-Gon, I crave for you to return those feelings. It's selfish, but I am not sure how long I can continue to be an efficient partner to you."

Qui-Gon stared at Obi-Wan for a long time, quiet. This was not a situation he had prepared for. Honestly, he was a little stunned that Obi-Wan felt this way about him. He wasn't undesirable, no, but it just hadn't occurred to him that someone might _love_ him like this. That someone like _Obi-Wan Kenobi_ would feel that way about him. 

He had been with so many people, he wasn't ashamed of that, but his heart had always been his own. He'd never given it wholly to another, had never been close enough to anyone to do so. He loved Obi-Wan, of course he did - but was he in love with him? Standing, he moved closer to the other, reached out to take his hands lightly. "Please give me some time to think, before you approach the Council formally about this," he whispered. "I don't want to lose you, I know that. But I feel - I don't know what I feel, exactly." Qui-Gon opened their mission bond a little, letting the other feel his confusion, his anxiety, his hurt. "I ask that you give me some time to meditate on this. To find my center. Allow me to give you an honest answer before you make a decision. I promise I won't leave you waiting for very long." 

Obi-Wan looked up, meeting his gaze. "Alright," he whispered, nodding. "I can give you some time."

Qui-Gon felt relief pass through him, and he leaned in to kiss the other man gently on the forehead. "Thank you," he murmured. He squeezed Obi-Wan's hands once more before letting him go and slipping out the door.

Qui-Gon spent most of the next three days meditating. He desperately wanted to keep Obi-Wan as his mission partner, to stay in his life, but he had to make sure he was being fair to Obi-Wan. But it was that very desperation that he wanted to examine. Qui-Gon did not consider himself to be a desperate man, in any aspect of his life. Why did the idea of Obi-Wan dissolving their partnership make his chest ache? Obi-Wan was one of his dearest friends, yes. That was a given. He'd trained him for thirteen years, and had continued working with him for another six. Even in the one year they were apart, they'd kept up constant communication. They had lived in each other's back pockets, and Qui-Gon had watched Obi-Wan grow into the confident, accomplished man that he was today. How could they not be friends, after all of that? There was no one in the world Qui-Gon trusted more than Obi-Wan Kenobi.

But that was not enough to be making him feel like this. He had other friends, and he wasn't bound to them like this. Was it the idea of being alone, after twenty years of having Obi-Wan at his side? That might be plausible, but Qui-Gon had never been prone to bouts of loneliness. He enjoyed a bit of solitude, and he'd always been good at becoming friendly with whoever was around him. No, it was something about Obi-Wan.

Was he in love? Truthfully, Qui-Gon didn't know. He never had been before, not really. There had been a few longer-term relationships, but they were dalliances. A mutual meeting of friends who were convenient, who found it easy to share time and bodies. That could be said about Obi-Wan as well, and yet it didn't feel right. For one thing, he would admit that they had never had any conversation about expectations. While he'd never guessed Obi-Wan was in love with him, he knew from all the years they'd spent as master and apprentice that Obi-Wan did not share his body as freely as Qui-Gon did. For another, whenever things broke off between all those dalliances, Qui-Gon had parted ways with them with a smile and a last kiss. It had not required more thought than that. But was he in love? Or did he simply not want to give up the lover who'd been with him the longest, the one who knew more of him than anyone else? Never had Qui-Gon been matched so perfectly with another. Obi-Wan knew all of his habits, his favorite meals, his favorite drink. What scent he preferred to use in the shower. He knew that Qui-Gon liked to walk around barefoot whenever they were at rest and wouldn't need to go anywhere. On the battlefield, he could anticipate Qui-Gon's every move, and Obi-Wan's preferred fighting style complemented Qui-Gon's and made up for any weaknesses. And yes, the man was absolutely desirable. Obi-Wan was stunning, and in the bedroom they were completely compatible. Obi-Wan was always open to trying new things, and by now he knew exactly how to please Qui-Gon.

So was this love, or was Qui-Gon just loath to give up someone who was so well-suited for him that it might feel like giving up one of his hands to be parted from him? 

After three days, Qui-Gon returned to Obi-Wan's door, knocking gently before letting himself in this time. It was another reminder of how close they were, really. Although they had separate quarters in the Temple, they often spent the night with each other, and their keypads were attuned to the other's Force signature. Obi-Wan glanced up from his spot on the couch, nodding to the other. Outwardly he looked calm, but Qui-Gon could see how his fingers tightened around the mug in his hands. "Good evening, Qui," he murmured, lips curling into a faint smile.

Qui-Gon smiled in return, moving to take a mug off the shelf and pour himself a cup of tea before sitting down in the chair across from Obi-Wan. "Evening," he murmured. He lapsed into silence for a few moments, sipping at his tea. When he finally looked up again, Obi-Wan was watching him, clearly waiting for him to start.

"Thank you for giving me time," Qui-Gon said, cupping his mug in both hands. "It was at least a little bit enlightening. I can't say I have all the answers I was looking for, but I feel ready to talk." Obi-Wan nodded to him, keeping his silence. That was just fine, Qui-Gon had plenty of words for the both of them, and there was nothing more that Obi-Wan needed to say.

"You have to know that I care about you," Qui-Gon said softly. "I do love you, Obi. How could I not? You've been my closest friend for years. And before we grew to be friends, I chose you to be my first Padawan. My only one. Our relationship has evolved much over the past twenty years, and you've enriched my life greatly." Putting his mug down, he sighed, leaning forward as he continued to speak. "When I first kissed you five years ago, I admit I had no idea that you loved me. I didn't have underlying thoughts of any sort of romantic relationship. I knew that I was wildly attracted to you, and that as mission partners this could be one more added benefit to being a trusted companion." He met Obi-Wan's gaze, but the man seemed to be reserving his judgment for the end. Qui-Gon couldn't read anything on his face.

"But even in that case, I misstepped. I'm not a stranger to casual relationships. They're the only kind I've ever had. There should have been a conversation, and I know that I should have been the one to initiate it. I know that casual sex is much more my area than it is yours. I've let us carry on for five years without once asking you if an extended fling was what you wanted. If you were alright with me sleeping with others. It's an egregious oversight, and not one that I'll soon forgive myself for." He wanted to reach out for his tea again, but he knew that it was only to try to distract himself from Obi-Wan's gaze. Taking a deep breath, he settled himself again. Grand speeches weren't his forte. He was good with words, but he was also succinct. This... this, he could not afford to have any misunderstandings, or withhold any information.

"But in light of learning that you have thought about separating from me, I am loath to let you go, in a way that I have never been with any partner," he said quietly. "And I'm no clearer now on 'why' than I was before. I - how do I know that I am not just being selfish in this?" He ran a hand through his hair, glancing around the room as if something could help him. "How do you know that you're in love with me?"

Obi-Wan blinked, his cheeks flushing, obviously not expecting the question. He tucked his hair behind his ear - it was getting so long, Qui-Gon noted, not nearly as long as his own but it brushed against Obi-Wan's shoulders now, and it was beautiful. "You're the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing before I go to sleep," he said, voice so soft. "Taking care of you was my job when you were my Master, and I enjoyed that. As the years went by, I realized I enjoyed it more than most Padawans did. I reveled in knowing more about you than anyone else. I've craved seeing every smile, being the one to put it there. I trust nobody more than you, and I trust no one else to protect you the way I can. To stand as your equal, as the one who complements your strengths and weaknesses, as you do mine. For a long time, I thought this was just how Padawans felt about their Masters. After all, you do live together for years and years. But as time went on, I realized it never faded. My agemates would speak of feeling this way towards each other, and I... I only ever had eyes for you. You've been the star of all my fantasies, and everyone else's beauty has had to compete with yours. I gain more pleasure spending an afternoon in your company than being touched by anyone who isn't you. I just - " He broke his words off, eyes flickering to his teacup before staring off, unable to look at Qui-Gon. "I feel complete when I'm with you."

Qui-Gon's cheeks had gone faintly red as Obi-Wan spoke. He didn't feel that he was worthy of such devotion from the other, and he hadn't even noticed how deep it ran. And now he might pay for it by losing the chance to have his best friend at his side, every day.

"I know it's not fair of me to ask," he responded, voice quiet. "But can you give me more time? Just a little bit, Obi-Wan. I - I've never had anything serious in my life, in terms of a romantic entanglement. I know that I don't want to lose you, but I don't know my own heart further than that. Just - I want to continue as partners with this in mind. I'll discontinue seeing anyone else. Let me focus on you - on us. I won't keep you by my side out of selfishness, but allow me time to discern if this is more than that."

Obi-Wan looked to him again, his mouth set in a tight line. "That sounds far from promising, Qui-Gon," he murmured.

"I know," Qui-Gon answered with a grimace. "I'm sorry. This is new territory for me. And I'm feeling strange about the fact that I don't have the answer to one of the most personal things in my life." He leaned back, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You're my closest friend. You have been for a very long time. There has never been anyone like you - and I owe it to you to define that relationship more clearly."

After a few moments, Obi-Wan sighed, relenting. "Alright. We can keep going for a while - but with a few conditions. Sex is off the table. Believe me, I'll miss it very much, but at this point I think it will only confuse the both of us more. And the second you know where our boundaries lie, you tell me."

Qui-Gon nodded. "I agree," he murmured. He would not keep Obi-Wan in a state of limbo for eternity. If he did not return Obi-Wan's feelings, he would inform the man they could break off their partnership. "I - if you'd like me to leave you alone for a bit, I can go."

Obi-Wan shook his head, giving him a weary smile. "That's alright. Stay. I could use the company."

It was only a few days before they were assigned another mission. It was a rather simple one, which Qui-Gon was grateful for. Frankly, he should be a better Jedi, he should be able to set aside his personal life for the mission, but he couldn't take his mind off his partner. He was so keenly aware that he was supposed to be examining his feelings for Obi-Wan, and Obi-wan was clearly aware of it too. Their next few missions had a stilted air to them, and it seemed neither of them really knew how to act around each other anymore. It was ridiculous, Qui-Gon thought. They'd known each other for twenty sith-damned years. This should not be so difficult. 

Obi-Wan finally cut the tension after Qui-Gon nearly jumped out of his skin as their hands brushed in preparing dinner. "This is ridiculous," he said, frowning as he looked up at his partner. "Just treat me the way you always do, Qui. Nothing about us has changed except you know I'm in love with you. Stop overthinking every little thing." Obi-Wan held up a finger to Qui-Gon's lips as the man made to respond. "Being so jumpy sort of ruins the whole purpose of this. You shouldn't be thinking about how to treat me. You should just be behaving the way you normally do. We never had problems holding conversations before, that shouldn't change just because there was some big love confession, you understand?"

Qui-Gon blinked at him, before laughing, shaking his head. "You always did know how to speak your mind," he said fondly. "I'm sorry. You're right. I'm overthinking this." Nothing had changed except for the lack of sex, which was off-limits. Qui-Gon was just to do what felt right. "Let's finish dinner, then perhaps we could run a few exercises together." Obi-Wan seemed pleased by the prospect, and the mood lightened up considerably once Qui-Gon let go of obsessing over every action.

It was an odd thing, he discovered, trying to act natural and then attempting to decipher why he had performed certain actions. Obi-Wan never pushed him for an answer, although Qui-Gon knew he wouldn't have forever. Despite their lack of sexual intimacy now - or perhaps because of it - Qui-Gon was ever more aware of reaching for Obi-Wan in other ways. He'd catch himself leaning in to listen to Obi-Wan as they shared a meal together. Sometimes there was this itch to reach out and brush his fingers over the curve of Obi-Wan's smile. His fingers ached as he remembered what it was like to have someone else's fingers entwined in them, grasping at each other as they came together. And none of it helped him settle his mind. He'd felt these things before, even if he'd rarely acted on them. Their physicality had mostly been designated to a bed (or whatever such surface they found themselves on). What if these longings were only more pronounced because he hadn't been so abstinent in - little gods, it had been years! He didn't know how he would be able to tell what he felt for Obi-Wan, and as more time passed his desperation for answers grew. 

When the moment finally came, it wasn't nearly as eventful as Qui-Gon had thought it would be. They were enjoying a quiet morning on some remote planet where they'd been assigned to witness a crowning ceremony. Qui-Gon watched Obi-Wan as he prepared a pot of tea, smiling a bit as he realized it was his favorite. Obi-Wan had always been so considerate. He watched as the man paused in front of the window, closing his eyes as he basked in the sunshine, and Qui-Gon felt his heart stop.

"Oh," he said, so softly it could barely be heard. _Oh_. He glanced down at the table, before looking back up at Obi-Wan. "I'm in love with you," he whispered.

Obi-Wan opened his eyes, blinking a few times. Qui-Gon could nearly see him processing the statement. "What?" he whispered, glancing over his shoulder. Qui-Gon stood, moved to him, caught him as he turned fully.

"I said I'm in love with you," he replied, cupping Obi-Wan's cheek in one large hand. "I think I always have been."

He felt Obi-Wan tremble, and then the man was grasping at his shirt as Qui-Gon pulled him against his chest. If Obi-Wan gave a sound that almost sounded like a sob, Qui-Gon didn't comment on it. All he could do was hold him close, mold himself around the other as he always had. What a fool he was, to not see his feelings for what they were.

"How do you know?" Obi-Wan whispered, and Qui-Gon almost chuckled. Of course he would return the same question Qui-Gon had asked him when he had confessed. And Qui-Gon didn't blame him. After being so unsure of himself for such a long time, Qui-Gon would need to convince Obi-Wan he was certain now.

"You have always brought light to my life," Qui-Gon murmured. "No one has known me the way you do, and part of that is because I have never allowed anyone to. I - I'm an idiot for not realizing it before. I had closed myself off to the idea of having something as deep as this with someone, and I think because you've been at my side non-stop for so long that the lines were blurred. I couldn't recognize that the feelings I bear for you had turned from closest friend to much more." He brushed his thumb over Obi-Wan's cheekbone, studying his face. "All this time I've wrestled with the idea that my feelings of selfishness possibly stemmed from wanting to keep you by my side even though I could not return your feelings. I didn't consider that it felt selfish because I want to have all of your time and your attention and your devotion. It's not very Jedi-like, I suppose." He paused, reaching down to take Obi-Wan's hand. "I crave your touch. I long for the time we get to spend together, and I've found it discomforting to sleep in my bed alone since this all began. But it's not the sex - well, it's not entirely the sex," he said with a faint laugh. "I miss waking next to you in the morning. I miss holding you as you wake up. I want to be your partner, in all things. And I'll do whatever I can to prove to you that I love you."

Obi-Wan's cheeks had turned red, and he buried his face against Qui-Gon's chest. "You're an idiot," he groaned, but it was more fond than anything else. How the great Qui-Gon Jinn hadn't been able to decipher what it meant to love someone was beyond him, but he was glad he'd gotten there. "I'm not going anywhere, Qui. Be as selfish as you want."

"My Obi," Qui-Gon murmured, winding both arms tightly around the other. This had been the right decision, he knew it. Everything felt settled, like something had finally slotted into place. He would be free to touch Obi-Wan whenever he wanted, to hold him, to share meals and beds, mornings and nights and all the time in between. He'd always be there to protect him, to stand at his side as no one else ever could. Already he was planning on how best to ask Obi-Wan to perform a bonding ceremony with him.

And if Mace gave him what passed for an overly pleased smile next time he caught them holding hands as they walked through the Temple halls, well, Qui-Gon would let him tease him all he wanted later. All that mattered was that Obi-Wan's hand was warm, and his fingers slotted perfectly between Qui-Gon's.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Comments are much appreciated!


End file.
